|
I struggled with same sex attraction for nearly twenty years. I am not certain at what point I was aware of the attraction. It had been a part of my life so early that it was some time before I noticed that my interests were not like the girls my age. My struggle continued into college and into my twenties. I hung around lesbians during my twenties and developed lesbian friendships. Finally one asked me, “If you aren’t homosexual, why do hang out with lesbians.” It was like she held a mirror up to my face and said, “Who are you, and why are you here?”
In my twenties, the struggle over my sexual identity increased. I felt out of place in church and stopped attending. I never felt like I belonged, and I had no one to talk to about my struggles. I was barely able to admit to myself how I felt. When I had a sexual relationship with another woman I thought, finally, the barrier was broken, surely the happiness would follow. However, I came to discover over a period of months that whatever the need was that I had, this was not touching it. I remember thinking to myself, I am not sure what I am longing for, but this isn’t it.
I longed for God. I would attend church, but sit in the back. I felt so distant from everyone around me. While my grip on God was slipping, He in turn was holding all the tighter to me. I would read my Bible every night. I would search the pages for the justification of how I felt, and how I was living. What I found instead was a deep conviction that I was walking further and further from the Lord.
I could not find a passage that justified the life I was living. Being healed from homosexuality seemed to me to be an impossibility, but I could not give up Jesus in my life. He was the touch of life in me. On the pages of the Bible the Spirit was speaking about who God is for me and could be in me; he was saying, “Nothing is impossible with God.”
The weight of my homosexual relationship was becoming too much for me to bear and I was beginning to feel a tearing of my spirit, a pulling away from the Lord. I reached the decision that I could live without a lot of things, but I did not want to live without God. So covered in tears and in deep distress I cried out to the Lord. I gave my life back to Jesus and asked if he would have me. It was unconditional surrender. I didn’t bargain with him on any account, I just knew I wanted Jesus more than I wanted anything else, and if He would take me back, that was enough.
I began a steady walk toward God, and by his grace I have not turned back. I have been greatly tempted, but have no desire in my heart to return to the prison from which I have been freed. My journey has been more than a decade long. I have seen counselors both licensed and Spirit-filled. Each has contributed to my healing. The landscape of my internal world has progressively, but radically, changed. He who does the impossible, has given new life and freedom to me in my sexual identity. Once the Lord surfaced a childhood emotional trauma, I spent time in counseling. It was in this time that I gained true freedom from the draw of homosexuality as the Lord healed and closed the door in my soul that had so long been opened by the deep hurt.
Healing is a progressive journey. Each year brings more revelation of how Jesus Christ’s work on the cross has wrought healing and freedom for my soul. As I continue forward in this journey with Him, I know life like I had never before known – in abundance. My true identity as a woman in Christ is being restored into my life in new dimensions. I am grateful for the love of Christ – the transforming, life-giving One that does not leave me as He found me.
| 
