All my life I had felt rejected and looked over. I found love and acceptance by being lured and chased, but there was a price. I grew up in what seemed from the outside to be a normal, middle-class, Christian family. I was the younger of two children, always in the shadow of my older sister. My father, always working, never seemed to be home. My parents, being completely opposite in how to raise me, were in constant turmoil when my father was at home. They provided me with a ridiculous amount of toys to play with, but never their time or attention. Since I feared confrontation, I usually stayed away from the house as much as possible.
I never quite fit in with others and didn’t really have any friends. My parents switched me to a private school, and right away, the boys made it clear that I was not wanted. Because of I wasn’t sure of myself, I was called names like queer, sissy, and I was given the nickname McGay. My family went to church every Sunday as good Baptists do; however, my parents never discussed religion or church. I became one of the most involved kids at church and was there every time the doors were open.
From an early age, I looked at other boys with envy. I had such a low self esteem and it seemed I could never do anything right. I had wondered if I was gay, since so many people were saying I was. I remember my father talking to me about sex for the first time: I was fourteen and distanced from puberty. His words were, “If you’re going to have sex, you should use protection, and if you are going to masturbate, be careful because it is very addictive.” It was a little late for that.
When I was fifteen, my parents got divorced. Going back and forth between the two extremes of both parents, I decided to move out when I was eighteen. A couple of years later, I found that a neighbor of mine was gay. He soon showed me all that the gay life had to offer. After spending my first night with him, the next day and the following week, I was a wreck. I had never been so confused and my body was telling me that this was what I had always wanted, and my mind and soul was telling me that this was wrong.
My neighbor quickly introduced me to all the pornography I could handle, and even took me to the local gay bar. I had never experienced such feelings. When I walked in the room, all eyes were on me. I was instantly addicted; all the attention and acceptance I had ever wanted was there for the taking. The euphoria did not last long. I soon went from one relationship to another, trying to fill a huge void in my life that was very real. I simply wanted to be loved and accepted, but all I was getting was being used.
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